Memorial Day and a Lesson for Us

Early in my training I was introduced to a principle we refer to as the Stockdale Paradox.  It’s named after Admiral James Stockdale, a United States Navy vice admiral who was held captive and tortured as a prisoner of war during the Vietnam War for over seven years.  Despite all this this he survived and help others to endure and make it out as well.

The essence of the Stockdale Paradox was captured in a conversation Stockdale had with author Jim Collins, who wrote about it in his book "Good to Great." Stockdale explained that the prisoners who struggled the most were the optimists who held unrealistic expectations about their release and the timeline of events. When their hopes were repeatedly dashed, they lost faith and struggled to cope with the harsh realities of their situation.

Specifically, Collins asked which prisoners ending up not making it out.  Here is how Stockdale responsed:

Oh, that's easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart. This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be

In contrast, Stockdale himself adopted a different mindset. He faced the brutal facts of his captivity while maintaining an unwavering belief that he would ultimately prevail and survive the ordeal. He understood the importance of accepting his current reality while actively working towards a better future.

There’s a lesson there for us in our own recovery.  While faith in the future is good and necessary, let’s never confuse that with aimless optimism.   We can never forget just how difficult it was and maybe still is.  That’s how we accept reality instead of living in a world of denial. 

Addicts are famous for “minimizing” the addiction and downplaying their reality. 

 “It’s not THAT bad”

“I can control it if I want”

“Nobody is hurt by what I’m doing”

“I’ll take care of this tomorrow, next month, etc, etc”

This is pollyannaish optimism and just not helpful for real transformation or real escape.  These are all defense mechanisms working to create distance from the simple but difficult truth that our situation is very dangerous if we don’t stay in recovery.

Addicts introduce themselves as alcoholic/drug addict/sex addict in every single meeting.  Its one method by which we try to stay connected to this reality and our previous captivity.  How easy it can be to forget just how painful and hopeless it was.

Now, once we are firmly grounded in what is real we can then set our sights on the vision we want.  This is where the “unwavering belief” comes in.  If we can go to “any length” for that future we have good chance on making it out. 

Let this motivate you and me!   Yes, it’s so hard to accept our reality sometimes.  But can we then future orient and say that no matter what it takes….no matter how long it takes…I WILL heal and I will create the relationships and future I know is possible.  God and others are on my side.

So on this Memorial Day let’s give thanks to all those who have served and the sacrifices that have been made.  Then let’s look to our own journey and recommit to the challenges we are each facing.  And, like Admiral Stockdale as we “rescue” ourselves we may even be able to help rescue others along the way. God bless!