Is Pornography Really That Harmful?

As a licensed clinical therapist that specializes in pornography and sexual addiction I hear this question quite often.  Yes, those that are asking probably know it’s not the healthiest thing they could be doing.  Yes, there is that inner voice that questions it or brings up some manageable guilt or shame.  But cmon, what’s the big deal after all?  Isn’t it a guy thing?  Don’t most people look at it once in a while?

 A lot of these arguments are simply an attempt to normalize a behavior that actually is quite destructive and harmful as we have repeated exposure to it.  Remember when people used to smoke on a plane?   When doctors would endorse their favorite cigarette brands?  We look back on that now and think “How crazy!”   I think we may go through a similar process around internet based pornography. Even though its everywhere and accessible and almost common….we are kind of still finding our way around what this actually means for us.

Using my own experience as a therapist I’d like to highlight a few consequences that I have seen over and over in my work.  This comes from over a decade of experience and in talking with hundreds of clients.

1)    Pornography really is addictive forming.

The verdict is out on this one.  We have so much more research on how pornography affects our brain and nervous system.  It creates neuropathways that become quite demanding and powerful.  As with all addictions we begin to depend on this behavior to feel better and change our inner state.  In some ways pornography is the perfect drug – accessible, affordable, anonymous and can escalate and progress significantly as our forming addiction wants it too.   So yes, you absolutely can become addicted to it.  And if you need more proof just ask one of the millions of people out there who can’t stop engaging with it. You’ll hear real struggle and real heartbreak failure.

2)    It makes us feel shame

We don’t invite friends over to look at pornography together as a way to connect, right?  It’s something we do by ourselves and often in secrecy.  We often compartmentalize that part of our life and hide it.  All of this sends a message of shame to our true self.  Shame thrives in secrecy and in our hidden parts.  For many of us it goes against some deeply held spiritual or moral beliefs – wrestling with that is stressful so instead we compartmentalize it and don’t talk about it.  The trade off though is we walk around with this lingering sense of “something is broken with me.”   What a terrible thing to be carrying!  Compare this to having no secrets…people in your life who everything about you…and never having fear that you will be “found out.”  12 step recovering people call that feeling serenity and they say its priceless.

3)    It really messes up healthy sexuality

Healthy emotional maturity teaches us to love people for the wholeness and complexity of who they are.  We are taught to look at others with a focus on their inherent honor and preciousness that comes with the human experience.  Pornography does the exact opposite.  It focuses on fantasies and selfish needs.  It uses anger and degradation and, possibly most damaging, objectifies people and aspects of their body.  Repeated exposure to this trains our brain to approach the opposite sex in a similar way in the real world.  Ask any person coming out of pornography addiction – they will talk about the difficulty to not objectify and fantasize about everyday people.  Sometimes it even affects their ability to have satisfying physical intimacy with their spouse.  Pornography addiction escalates our intensity to a level where the addict cannot engage in healthy, fulfilling intimacy.  Only after some period of abstinence and “drying out” can they approach their sexual life from a more balanced approach

4)    You are creating risk for your family members

This one is important.  Oftentimes our brains tell us “I’m not hurting anyone” by the behavior.  Nobody knows or needs to find out.  This just isn’t true.  My next post will be on what’s called Betrayal Trauma.  This is a form of PTSD activated by the previously unknown discovery of infidelity or hidden pornography use. 

 Many men have no idea how much their spouses would be impacted by their behavior.  In many ways alcohol and drug addiction can be easier for a couple to heal from than sexual betrayal.  It cuts deep into the core of how we view ourselves in marriage and also affects our sense of safety.  When we commit our life to somebody and then experience betrayal our nervous system is shocked and traumatized and that makes us feel alone and unsafe. 

 Additionally, I have heard many stories about children finding their parent’s pornography stash.  Or, they saw the history of sites visited.  Sometimes it’s still up on the phone or computer!  It goes without saying that this is extremely harmful for kids particularly when its coming from the caregivers.  It encourages secrecy and can often begin leading kids to their own struggles with pornography. 

 In summary, pornography is far from harmless.  The consequences are real.    If this is something you are struggling with please don’t tell yourself you can fix it without anyone’s help.  This is the “addict within” trying to protect itself.  The secret really needs to come out to others who can understand and can help.